at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
