someone get that fucking seahorse.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
