I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
