My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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