Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize