he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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