Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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