The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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