At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
