I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
