i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
