did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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