Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Randomize
