Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
