I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In other news, I just burned my penis
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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