I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize