Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
