we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
