I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
