I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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