matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
