I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
