Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
