I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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