its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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