Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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