birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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