Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
