ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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