i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
