he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize