I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
