When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
