Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
