True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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