I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
