It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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