Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
