why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize