Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
