Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
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