I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
