Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
