Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
