Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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