her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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