I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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