remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
