When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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