you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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