I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
