I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
