I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
