Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
either way he was missing a nipple.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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