I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
