the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
