He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
