Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
we're so committed to being not committed
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
