Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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