Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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