Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Randomize
