If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize