whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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