you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
