Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
