No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
