I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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